I always wondered when I would get around to making a post. So much has happened over the last year that it would be utterly impossible to update everyone on everything, but I would like to write about the very thing that caused me to so abruptly leave.

To be short-I am now emerging through the darkest and most horrible time of my life.  For several months during last summer, I was experiencing symptoms that could have been MS, Parkinsons or Lou Gehrigs disease. I spent four months-beginning in late June, going through the sheer hell of MRI's, an EMG test and countless appointments with neurology specialists.  For those four months I literally felt that I was either going to die or suffer the malignancies of MS or young onset Parkinsons.

Finally on September 18th while at the Cleveland Clinic, I was reassured by the leading Doctor in Neurology at the Department, that I am ok-that in fact, everything that I had been experiencing was due to anxiety. This seems so ludacris-so simple and innocent now looking back, but at the time my symptoms were major symptoms-heavy feeling foot and leg-so much so that walking was difficult at times, numbness and pain, trembling, body jerks and jolts and other symptoms as well. But finally I had two seperate opinions-both from top neurologists that said it was just anxiety. And I had the facts of the MRI's and EMG both showed me as perfectly healthy as evidence.

For two weeks after September 18th all was well. I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I was going to be ok-much easier said that done. Then one night, it suddenly dawned on me that I still had one medical problem that I hadn't given much thought to-essential tremor.  When I had been originally diagnosed back in 2005, I hadn't given it much thought, it seemed innocent enough and my neurologist at the time acted as if it was a no-worrier. I looked essential tremor up on line and what I found terrified me. For over a year I lived with the terror that essential tremor might literally take my hands away from me-that they would shake and tremble so much that even drinking, signing my name and other related tasks would be at best-difficult and at worst impossible.

I have since found out that my original assessment was incorrect. Essential tremor can be debilitating but between 85% and 95% of all cases are so benign that medicine and treatment isn't even necessary. And in the remaining 5%-15%, there is medicine and they are working towards a full cure and expect to find it within the next 10 years. So in short, even though I have essential tremor the odds are overwhelmingly in my favor that I will be ok. But for the past year I have been living in a hell unimaginable.

During this past year I suffered from extreme depression-so much so that I was hospitalized. I contemplated suicide. I cried more hours than I can count. I stayed in bed, dumbstruck at my bad fortune. I gained 30 pounds. And my God how I suffered. The pain and worry was indescribable.  The anxiety that my worrying produced  made my hands shake-which in turn I could only see as essential tremor.

Slowly I am turning the corner and living again. Believing that I am going to be ok is a tough thing for me to accept because I am a worrier-that's only one discovery I have made about myself over the past year.  But I am going to be just fine and things look brighter for me than they have for so long. yeah-I am going to be ok:)

While hospitalized I met some incredible people who were going through their own personal hells. One in particular has become a close friend who has stood by me throughout my ordeal. She was there to listen when I worried and she was there to inspire when I lost faith. My family also closed ranks around me and held me up. They prayed for me, wept with me, held me and went through their own hell as I went through mine.

To describe just how tough the past year has been is just about impossible to relate but one incident sums it up. I was so worried that I was slowly losing my ability to do things with my hands that I contemplated suicide. I have always been terrified of disability-moreso than of death. late one night in January of 2008 I couldn't take the pain anymore and I got out of bed in a agonizing stupor. I went downstairs, unsure of where my feet were taking me. I grabbed my housekeys and then took my ID out of my wallet and  headed outside. I walked down the street slowly making my way to the center of the village I live next to. Vaguely I was aware that my feet were taking me towards the train tracks where I often heard trains roaring by. Beside the tracks was a bench and there I sat for over four hours in the cold snow..thinking..praying...struggling and yes, crying. I determined that when the train came-I would step onto the tracks and end my own life. I waited..and waited...and waited but the train never came. Finally I got up and wandered home and went back to bed. I don't know why a train didn't come that night, but because it didn't-I am here today.

That is just an example of how bad the past year has been, but I don't want to focus on it anymore. I am pulling through and I am going to be ok:)

I would ask that people continue to pray for me, because sometimes I doubt medical facts. My mind goes down dark avenues and takes me to horrible places that are best left unthought of.  There may be a chance that I will be disabled from this, but in all likely hood-85%-95% chance, I am going to be so ok that I won't even need medicine-of which there is always that option.

It feels good to make this post. It's one I have wanted to write for a long time. There is so much more that happened, so many other thoughts and experiences that are now major events in my life but for right now I want to keep it short and simple. I wasn't ok-but slowly I am becoming ok. I am hanging in there and getting better each day.

So there we are. I am alive and kicking. I hope to post more frequently now and slowly as the posts roll by, more details of the past year will come to be shared. I would like to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers. I apologize for vanishing off the face of the earth for so long-but at the time, posting and even replying to emails wasn't something that I wanted to do. When you are in hell sometimes you can be so low, that you don't even want to be with-or talk to others. I was in pretty bad shape. I am so thankful for the friends who stuck by me, who prayed for me and who kept trying to contact me over the year. It means alot that you would try to hard.~thank you!
 

So now I will bid everyone good night. It's almost 1:30 AM now and I should be off to sleep. Tomorrow is another day and I have so much that I want to do. Good night:)

I would like to ask that anyone who reads this-anyone who knows me.. to please remember me in their prayers. I am going through one of the hardest and scariest times of my life. For many weeks now, I have been coping with serious concerns about my health. I do not want to get into any details here, but the symptoms are relentlessly terrifying me. I am praying that it is much ado about nothing, but from what I have read-they could also be very, very bad. I am praying that they are not. Early this upcoming week I should know a little bit more after seeing a specialist.

God please be with me, I am scared. Give me strength and courage to get through this. Please let these symptoms be easily diagnosed and addressed by am understanding, kind and competent doctor.  Let it be some minor condition that just needs a little medicine to take care of everything. Please, please do not let me die or suffer from a debiliating illness. Please let me live to see old age. I do not understand what is going on and I am terrified.  Please be with me God. Please hold me. Please help me to trust you more.

I ask this in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

I have to laugh at this because this journal entry starts exactly the same way my last one did-watching The Return of the King:) hey, what can I say-it's a great movie:P  It just looks freakin awesome on my high-def giant screen tv:)

So, what's up with me. Well, not much really. I am still running, running, running. This past Monday I hit a new marker. Since my 5k race last year, I have shaved almost 5 minutes off my time-that's pretty huge. As far as the longer milage is going-it's going good too. I have been keeping to the training but I have tweaked it a bit. Because the marathon isn't until October I need to actually slow things down so I don't peak too soon. So, for the last month I have been running regular 12 and 13 mile long runs which is the middle part of the training. Without this change I would be at a 14 and 16 mile run so..anyway, all is well. I am feeling pretty good about things so far.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is completely unrelated to the running. Two years ago I was diagnosed with something called "essential tremor". Basically it's a slight shaking of the hands that sometimes happens when you use them to do things that require certain motor skills such as writing, drink from a glass, hold a utensil etc. For me, 90% of the time it's barely noticeable, but occasionally the shaking is bad enough that I have to quickly drink, or use both hands-or in some cases I can't do the things I used to do-like painting. When they shaking is really bad it's really difficult to drink from a glass but that's only happened maybe..twice over the years.
My fine motor skills just aren't always as good as they used to be-but then, they never were all that great. Essential tremor isn't fatal or anything and it may or may not progress but it is almost never a huge drastic thing. It's more of a social embarassment than anything. There are even medications that can help reduce or eliminate the shaking but to date-I have refused any medication because well.. I didn't feel that it was bad enough to warrant it.

Anyway, my hand shaking has kind of been worse lately on occasion and I have also noticed a twitch/jerk in both hands. The twitch/jerk has no pattern and it is not a tremor. It has happened while my hand was resting and it has happened when I was using it so it's hard to tell what it is. Essential tremor ONLY happens when your hand is in use (against gravity), the twitch is happening when it is in use or not..so there isn't a clear pattern but I think it must be something else.  I also feel really weak and kind of clumsy in my wrists and hand at times. Of course my first fear was Parkinsons or something like that, but I don't think it is because parkinsons is a repeating shaking jerk or tremor and mine are singular-almost spasmatic.. I guess I should say that I am hoping and praying that it isn't something bad-I can't know fore sure until tests are done.  I am seeing a nurologist in 5 weeks (the earliest they could schedule me-isn't that rediculous?) So anyway, I must admit that I am pretty concerned about this-I try not to be, but ...well when it's your health and something is obviously wrong...it's hard not to fear the worst.  I always work myself into a bit of a worried frenzy over health stuff. It's just that I want to take good care of myself so I live a long, long time:)

In other news, I found out that the original coca-cola DOES NOT have the sodium benzoate so..it's safe to drink-whohoo! I have my vice back:) For awhile there all I was drinking was water-healthy to be sure, but as boring as anything. so anyway, that news made me happy.

Summer is almost here and that means some relaxing time! I don't have any grand plans-yet but I know it will involve lots of outside time. I just recently starting hanging out with my friends Angel and Curtis again after almost 2 years where we didn't. It was great. Last week they came over and we all just sat outside by the fire and chatted away. It was a great time:)  After Curtis left, Angel and I took a long walk around the neighborhood. It was like midnight and the streets were all quiet-it was just the two of us. It was really nice.

The last bit of news is really good! In less than a month Jeff will be home from Iraq. I can't wait!! It will be good to see him again after a year-and I KNOW his family couldn't possibly be more excited. These last few weeks can't go fast enough for them:)

So, that's a brief catch up what's been going on with me. It's 1:26 AM and I am tired so I am heading to bed. Good night:)

Within a matter of hours after posting my previous entry I wanted to come back and add to it~but I didn't. I usually end up writing when I am down..not when I am having a great day. So anyway, soon after my previous post I wanted to take back everything that I wrote. But when I first started this journal I promised myself that I would not edit and change previous entries because I always wanted my journal to capture the moments as best as words can. So in short-I am doing quite fine:)

I am sitting here watching the expanded version of The Return of the King (I think this version is about 4 and something odd hours). Amazing movie:) I have seen it many times of course but it's always an awesome way to spend a few hours.

Yesterday afternoon I came across an article that stopped me in my tracks. I had never heard this before.I  am not a medical expert by any stretch of the imagination..and I don't jump on bandwagons..but the more I have read-the more troubling-and confusing it all gets.

In short-if you drink any of the diet coke/pepsi products, Fanta, or any of the citrus soda drinks or any of the power sodas-they may seriously damage your health (leukaemia and other cancers, parkinsons disease for instance) because the preservative sodium benzoate (a known carcinogen). At first-I thought this was a brand new study but as I have been researching-I am finding that this is actually the latest in a series of reports-all of which are a bit worrying.. It seems to me to be big news-and yet, no one really seems to be talking about it..

I just felt I had to pass this on. It never even dawned on me that drinking this stuff could be this bad for you. Does anyone else know about this?

news.independent.co.uk/health/article2586652.ece

www.theecologist.org/archive_detail.asp?open=y&con tent_id=636

Additional information:
Sodium benzoate:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodium_Benzoate
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benzene_in_soft_drinks


I have been researching this since I first read it earlier today and I can't find any set amount that it would require to cause the health problems.. most likely-no one really knows. But for children who drink the stuff for years and years-well, they are at the most serious risk.

What I am finding interesting is that the soda companies have known about this for 15 years and there have been numerous lawsuits related to this-all of which were settled out of court~in fact, Coke just settled a case this month and Pepsi is in a suit as we speak.

I also found it interesting that our drinking water in the US and the UK both have laws protecting its citizens from sodium benzoate-but all sodas are exempt from that law. I sense some serious lobbying. Just imagine for a minute if the two major soda companies were found to be liable. It would be utterly devastating to them.

The problem with all this is there is all this information out there-but no one is of a clear mind or opinion on it. It's infuriating!

And you are right, tons of foods have carcinogens.. at times it seems that everything does. But what caused me to sit up when I read this case was that in studies-these sodas have already been found to have up to 8 TIMES the amount that is a known carcinogen:O

What I can't seem to find though is whether the original coke brand or the original pepsi brands are under suspicion-or whether it is just many of the the product off-shoots..

argh..

I hate trying to figure out what is safe to eat and drink..it seems like it should be such an easy thing-this is safe-that isn't ya know? I mean-anything consumed in huge quantities is bad..but...health officials and scientists have managed to utterly confuse the public on almost every single health related issue.

www.beveragedaily.com/search/search.asp?KEYWORDS=sodiu m+benzoate&period=all&DISPLAY_TYPE=SEARCH_TRANS &inner=1

Now, I freely admit that I tend to worry more than is healthy especially when it comes to my health..but..at the same time I keep thinking.. yeah..go ahead-don't worry about it..

and then whamo..someday down the line........

If I "had" to hedge my bets I would say that you are right, it probably is overall-safe..the problem is the..what if it isn't. That is a big what if. And even if it is safe for me-an older adult..what about the kids who are basically raised on this stuff?

oy ve.

Over the last year I gave up eating m+ms, cookies and every junk food all the time..but coke is the only vice I have left and I love it;)... maybe if I just cut down on my coke and drank more water-healthier for me anyway:P

argh:/

Anyway, I was concerned enough about this that I had to pass it along. Everyone will have to make up their own minds about how to handle it but all I can say is that I hope everyone researches it a bit. This preservative has not always been used-it's a relatively new addition. I can only hope that someday soon they will remove it.